Cloudmark Holistic Security Platform Provides A New Level of Spam And Virus Protection

Share with your network!
There have been several reports in the security press of West African spammers using black magic to guarantee the success of their advanced fee and phony girlfriend spam. Here’s a screenshot of a Juju ceremony from a documentary on spammers from Ghana.
Spammers Juju Ceremony
See https://youtu.be/o26Eks801oc?t=6m50s (warning, contains animal sacrifice) and https://krebsonsecurity.com/tag/voodoo/ for more. While Cloudmark’s products still provide a high level of protection against all forms of spam, we understand that some people may be particularly concerned by spam promoted by voodoo, juju, or other forms of magic. There are already small-scale services to deal with this problem. For example, in Northern California, Reverend Joey Talley can provide a Wiccan exorcism to remove viruses and other malware from your computer. According to Reverend Talley
So when I go into the room where somebody’s computer is, I go in fresh, I step in like a fresh sheet, and I'm open to feel what’s going on with the computer. Everything's unique, which is why my spell work changes, because each project I do is unique. Sometimes I do a magic spell or tape a magic charm onto the computer somewhere. Sometimes I have a potion for the worker to spray on the chair before they sit down to work. Jet is a stone I use a lot to protect computers.
See https://motherboard.vice.com/read/we-talked-to-a-witch-who-casts-viruses-out-of-computers-with-magic Obviously, such an approach is not easily scalable. However, we feel that Reverend Talley's approach of using crystals energy to protect against malware shows considerable promise, as confirmed by other authorities. Here, for example, is a page from Crystal Energy by Mary Lambert.
Malachite for Viruses
https://www.amazon.com/Crystal-Energy-Success-Health-Harmony/dp/140272376 Based on our research Cloudmark is now pleased to announce the Cloudmark Holistic Security Platform, which reduces the effectiveness of black magic in sending spam and malware by 100%. Rest assured that however many chickens are sacrificed by the Nigerian royal family, no more of their spam will reach your computer than if they just sat at home polishing their gold reserves. Current industry solutions have recommended circling malachite around the computer twice daily, in the morning and late afternoon. Our own research shows dramatic performance and accuracy gains using a patented new technique based on continuously circling the computer with malachite instead. However, we are no fans of reinventing the wheel when we don’t have to. Our seasoned spin doctors have worked tirelessly to integrate this revolutionary new technology into repurposed household equipment to provide an economic and fully scalable Cloudmark Holistic Security Platform: [video width="0" height="0" loop="1" preload="auto" webm="https://blog.cloudmark.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/Trains-600.webm"][/video] (Video: Daniel Conway) Requires two AA batteries (not provided.) Please consult our Sales Department for pricing and availability. For those of you who have read this far, Happy April Fools' Day.